*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
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Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Every haunted house movie:
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.