“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
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“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through