don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here