I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
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My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
So that’s what we looked like?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem