4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls