[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
You Might Also Like
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.