More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
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I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot