My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
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My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Venn
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.