Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
thank god the sign was there
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?