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I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.