I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
New tinder profile pic
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
let’s discuss
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.