[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
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Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
🙁
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.