Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
You Might Also Like
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
uncle dave has been through hell
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER