Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
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ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
blocked.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.