I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
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Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩