It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
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Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
How to wake up a Beagle
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.