<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve