political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about