I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
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I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!