*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
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Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.