At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
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I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.