A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
You Might Also Like
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.