SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
You Might Also Like
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately