I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
incredible text to wake up to
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.