I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
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You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
grotesque if literal: baby food
they really do be looking like this
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living