If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
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Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Hit me in the face with a bird
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious