Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
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Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.