I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
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ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.