Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
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Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Google assistant rules
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!