Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???