drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
And they lived apathetically ever after.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.