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I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.