wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it