I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
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“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!