How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
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my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
mariah carrie
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos