*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
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Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are