Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
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MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
channeling her this year
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.