I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
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Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Who knew!
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?