My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
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My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
🙀🙀🙀😹
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh