Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
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PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
This has made my week.