My son’s blood type is parmesan.
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I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
lost dog
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds