“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
You Might Also Like
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.