*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
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“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Me trying to “trust the process”
Received some very disappointing news today
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby