With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500