I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?