doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
beware of dog
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”