*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
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And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night