ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice