do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
never ask a starfish for directions
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.