“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
You Might Also Like
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Peace was never an option
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.